My political career in ruins.....

The voters have spoken, and they pimp slapped me back to Sangster Road.

Their message seemed to be the following: Hit the Road Jack

Surely there was some mistake... I called Rush Limbaugh...err Jay Holland last night to see if he could do some investigation. He wouldn't take my call. He was too busy trying to smooth things over with the mayor. So I took twenty shots or so and fell asleep face down in a "present" left by Riley in the backyard.

I woke up this morning in a fog...I thought I had been in a fight. In reality the gallon of Old Crow got to me.

I said early on that my campaign was akin to the maiden voyage of The Titanic..... and I was right!

Is this the last time I will run? Depends. Will Sherman run again? If so, I want NO part of that battle.

In closing, I'd like to thank all the little people, my supporters. The ones such as Taylor who spent all day at the Falls berating voters. The ones that tried to vote even if they didn't live in Gadsden. Thank you for your...crappy effort. I mean after all, this butt kicking can't be my fault, it can't be my message, so it has to be the fault of the hired help.

Surely voters are not tired of this gorgeous specimen....

Oh heck, you know I'll run again and more importantly I know I'll run....I told you weeks ago, I'll run until I'm 80.

See you in four years....

Cheers,

FSM

Check me out on Facebook

The saddest men in Gadsden tonight.....

Sometimes you choose a stud racehorse to go "all in" with....and sometimes you choose a jackass.

I'll let you decide what these morons chose....

I think I'll go drink myself sloppy...

FSM

Get your butts out to vote for me!!!!!!!

In fact, vote early......and vote often.

Forget the truth being told about me from the other side. This is about power....and needing a job.

If you have relatives that can't drive, I'll send Riley to pick them up. I would do it myself, but after my unfortunate boating accident, I'm not allowed to transport anyone....anywhere...

If you have relatives that are in the hospital...we will send an ambulance to pick them up.

If you have relatives that are dead, I'll dig them up.

Ole Steve needs your votes.

Do it for me one more time....

FSM

Just got off of Floyd's show....

And I needed a pair of these hip boots to get out of his studio. I was layin' it on thick....

Sometimes I amaze myself at the crap I pull out of thin air.

I'm the master.

No doubt about it.

Is it happy hour yet?

FSM

As I said so eloquently in the newspaper.....

Gadsden Times 08/22/10

But he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do, so he continued to pray, he said.

About a week later, Means said he was playing the drums in the praise band at church, when the song “God of this City” began to play.


Face it, I own this town. They ought to rename it after me. I'm the most important person in this town's history. You all would be nothing without me.

Tomorrow morning, you are going to get up, eat your Cheerios, drink your coffee, get dressed, and drive your happy butts to the polls and obediently cast your vote for me. I deserve it, and more importantly, you all deserve me.

Papa needs a J---O---B.

FSM

I'm a serial hugger....

Frankly, it scares the crap out of most of the people I hug. They will be strong....

I've even been rebuffed by a few folks. Their loss....

Hugs,

FSM

Please forget this article too......

Steve's Friends?

and this one too...

How did I not know about this?

You might ask why I wouldn't know something about this? That's a valid question that I have no good answer for.....

I don't even like these people.....Never met them (after midnight).

Thanks for your ....whatever,

FSM

Let me address the Dopey issue.....

Some people don't want to forget the past. Sure, I've known Dopey forever. Sure, he pimps me out every four years. Did I know what Dopey, Jim, Cathy, & Fred were doing? No way! You have to believe me. I know those of you that have run into Dopey at the Plumbers Pub, or whatever that bar in East Gadsden is called now may have heard differently, but TRUST ME. I knew NOTHING about this. I promise.

Pay no attention to the link below....

Jail Birds

Yours until Tuesday evening,

FSM

The tangled web......

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."- Sir Walter Scott

Some among us would say that I'm being a bit deceptive in my advertisements about the Chief of Police and the Firefighter's union.

Would I lie to you?

I will admit that I can't stand the police chief myself. I'd suspend him if I had the opportunity. I pretty much think he's worthless, but he's a means to a political end.

As for the firefighters........listen, I ain't giving them a 7.5% raise. Everyone with a functioning brain KNOWS that, but it secured their endorsement, and really that's all I was after. I did agree to let them work 15 hours and get paid for 60 though. That's a good tradeoff in my glorious opinion.

Now, the third prong of this alleged deception is Dopey. Sure he's been campaigning for me on the "down low"......we certainly don't want that to get into the paper or on some website. I really don't trust him. He is from Alabama City after all. The admonition I gave during the last race still stands: WHY WOULD YOU VOTE FOR SOMEONE FROM ALABAMA CITY? Really folks, think about it. Only Country Club/Clubview folks named Means should run the City of Steve.

Supposedly, the fourth prong of this web of deceit is yours truly. The talk is that I will say anything or do anything to get elected. My response: I plead the fifth (and not a fifth of bourbon either). An example provided by my detractors is my ad from the other day where I say I will STOP charging folks from Gadsden to go to the Falls. I fully realize that I'm the one that STARTED charging, but I hope you will forget that.

Keep drinking,

FSM

Did anyone get the tag of that Mack Truck?

I feel like crap now. I feel like I've been run over by a Mack Truck. And it has little to do with alcohol..(SURPRISE).. Robert Avery just slapped the taste out of my mouth and made me like it.

Why did Floyd let him come on his show? WHY?

Pay no attention to his diatribe. Riley, Karen, the Police Chief, Dopey, and the some chick that works in Glencoe are working HARD to come up with something......ANYTHING...that will make you forget his facts.

Cheers,

FSM

Victory or Delusion: You decide.....

Dopey and I can almost taste the power that this victory will provide.....

So many things will change in the City of Steve....excuse me, Gadsden.....

East Gadsden, Alabama City, North Gadsden, The Mountain, & South Gadsden will be SOL.....

We will stop bidding out contracts to get the lowest price for the taxpayer.......

As I said in one of my ads, I LOVE using taxpayer money!

Remember, please use the word "INVEST" when talking with your friends and neighbors. It is much less controversial than the term "spend like there is no tomorrow"........

Again, we are so close. I demand that you return me to my rightful perch on the banks of the Coosa. If I have to unsuccessfully sell real estate for the next four years, I may take up drinking. *Cough*

FSM

Steve Feeds the World!

Every four years I undertake the chore of feeding everyone in town. I do this so that people that haven't seen me since the last election day can get a glimpse of this gorgeous mug.

A few weeks ago it was the GCHS band. I took the opportunity to feed them pizza and bash the current mayor, even though they can't vote. Pretty classy of me if you want to know the truth.

More recently, I fed the cheerleaders. Pay no attention to the video on my campaign website that makes me look like a weirdo.

Monday, I fed the residents of the Holy Comforter some delicious Connie's Coneys. I've heard talk that this could be considered elder abuse. That is not true.

Today, I force fed doughnuts to city workers. Of course they were from Cothran's. Thanks M.N. for the suggestion!

Tomorrow, who knows?...I'm thinking Krystal burgers for somebody.

Eat, Drink (Yes indeed), and be merry!

FSM

Do you believe in miracles?

I can answer this in one word: Maybe

A miracle is not suffering the same fate that Dopey did, even though a betting man would have wagered his house that I was next on the G-Men's list.....

A miracle is me selling a house...any house.....

A miracle is me getting a vote in East Gadsden...

A miracle is me successfully bobbing and weaving when asked where my son went to school on Floyd's show......

A miracle is me showing up at a Saturday night function stone cold sober.....

Finally, a miracle would be me winning on August 24th.....

So, do I believe in miracles? I have to, it's all I have left.....

Blah,

FSM

Just got off Floyd's show....

I was in RARE form.

The part about my parents raising me to be color blind is rich. Riley and I worked on that line all night.

Pay no attention to this article from 2002 which seems to refute my statement about being color blind.

Mayor's race takes a nasty turn

Wednesday, September 25, 2002
By Staff
Bob Ingram, Alabama Scene
MONTGOMERY–It looked like the troubling times of the 1960s were being re-visited last week in a heated race for mayor of the city of Gadsden.
Incumbent Mayor Steve Means, opposed by City Councilman Robert Avery, who is black, warned in a full page ad that Avery's election could result in Gadsden becoming "another Birmingham."
Avery called it the most racist ad he had seen in years. It was hard to argue with his assessment.
The ad said in part: "We can't afford a future where our homes lose value, our schools suffer, crime increases and businesses and residents pack up and leave. That's what happened in Birmingham and we can't let it happen in Gadsden."
Means, who won reelection by re-election by a 59 percent-41 percent margin, insisted the ad was not racist. but only a warning of what could happen if a "radical coalition" took control of the city.

Racially Motivated?

I realize that the phrase "turning Gadsden into another Birmingham," and the word "radical" all seems to be racial....Not true.

You can trust me.

Just don't ask anyone from East Gadsden or the Central-Carver/Tuscaloosa Avenue area to do the same....

FSM

Let me translate this article for you.....

As you can see above, I was in rare form when doing the interview with MY paper, The Gadsden Times. It should be your paper too. Doesn't matter that it only has two sections on most days. You should read today's interview. Live it, Learn it, Love it.

Before I get started, I'd like to thank the IAFF Local 454 for their hit piece. The paper published it just I as I had written it. Looks like my effort to buy them off in 2002 worked out to my benefit yet again!

Now, about that interview....For the cognizant ones among us, how about a translation of my innermost thoughts while doing this spin job? How about that?

Let's boogie....

When I say I seek "excitement" I'm really saying that nothing screams EXCITEMENT like my last administration when we had associates going to jail.

When I say “the way we get Gadsden going again is that we get the people back into the government"....by that I mean MY people, Fred, Dopey, The Kings of Swagger, & your favorite unemployed politician, the Stevemeister.

Check out this smokin' quote by yours truly: “I think the people of Gadsden feel left out for the last four years." I really mean the people in Country Club and Clubview. After all they had gotten used to being catered to exclusively after my 28 years in office.

When I said that "it’s time for something bigger and better” -I really mean hold on to your wallets.

And then there is this gem of a quote from the greatest real estate agent on earth: I would "also like to initiate temporary public works projects to provide jobs."--CHA CHING!

I actually said the following with a straight face: I will "veto any legislation for new taxes and veto any effort to raise the salaries of the mayor and city council."--Snicker, Snort, and all that jazz.

Finally..... "I love using taxpayers’ money." Truer words have never come out of my mouth.

FSM

My Campaign in Flames

I’m a bit down today. Do you want to know why? Doesn’t matter, I’m going to tell you anyway......

I just realized that I’ve spent a BOATLOAD of my benefactor's money on this crusade.....and I’m afraid that it ain’t gonna matter.

I’m VERY concerned that I’m going to get my rear end roasted.

You see, our voter calling initiative is in the toilet. Our internal polls have me hovering around Post-Watergate Nixon levels.

I’m getting a little nervous, a little antsy. I’m pushing a little too hard. I’m afraid it might turn some folks off.

Who am I kidding? Everyone loves me!

Damn the polls....Full speed ahead.

FSM

Friday the 13th with Steve

Friday the 13th is always a little scary in my household....

With that in mind, I've come up with a few things that scare the Carl Brady out of me....

1) Having to sell real estate for the next four years.

2) Having to face Fred if he's still in purgatory at the Airport Authority after the 24th of this month.

3) Hearing the name Jason Stinson.

4) Getting kicked out of The Kings of Swing.

5) Running out of Old Crow.

XOXO,

FSM

A big THANK YOU...

A big THANK YOU to The Gadsden Times and the chief!

This went off so well most would swear it was planned.

Booyeah,

FSM

P.S. Sorry I took off yesterday. I was in no shape to be posting without Riley's supervision.

Now this is just wrong.....

Name one thing that I have not told the truth about about in the last minute..

Betcha can't do it.

Now, I'm not talking about the nonsense from last week about not raising taxes or mayoral salary.

I'm also not talking about blaming property taxes on the mayor even though that is a county/state function.

Not talking about blaming the mayor for water rates even though the water board, which sets rates, is stacked with my cronies...err friends.

Nor am I talking about saying the mayor is never out in public. I realize that being in public doesn't mean you have to be a bar fly. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Like I said, point out the untruths...

Go ahead, make my day!

FSM

Ladies and Gentlemen.....your next mayor?

If you do as I demand, I will be your next mayor. If you do not obey...I have your names.

I'm the model of competent leadership.

I will not spend any tax money that is not mine. Fortunately, it is ALL mine.

I'm the epitome of sobriety....

I'm the prince of class.....

I'm the best thing that ever happened to the City of Gadsden between the Rainbow City line and my pals at El Tapatio. Muchas gracias for letting me post so many signs.

All of the lesser areas of town should consider yourselves lucky that you get the privilege of voting for me.....

That is all.

FSM

Today's word: enigma

e·nig·ma   [uh-nig-muh]
–noun, plural -mas, -ma·ta  [-muh-tuh]
1.
a puzzling or inexplicable occurrence or situation: His disappearance is an enigma that has given rise to much speculation.
2.
a person of puzzling or contradictory character: To me he has always been an enigma, one minute completely insensitive, the next moved to tears.
3.
a saying, question, picture, etc., containing a hidden meaning; riddle.


I've been incorrectly accused of being just about everybody in Gadsden over the past few days.....everyone from Dopey to Bigfoot. I've even been accused of being Riley the campaign dog and most obscurely on The Gadsden Times forums, some fella named Tim. I have one response to all of this: Bwahahahahahahahaha!

I am and have always been the great enigma, Fake Steve Means: The Mayor of Lafferty's Landing!

To all who are emailing threats to my inbox, I thank you for your support!

Cheers!

FSM

Today's word: hypocrite

Some might say that it is the mark of a desperate man to authorize a political ad discussing a candidate's child and where she goes to school. I disagree. I am in no way desperate....I've been well beyond that for three years now.

However, it could be hypocritical considering my son went to a private school at one time.

So, your ole pal Steve....desperate? Heck no.

Hypocrite? It's what I do best.

Dopey says hi!

FSM

Desperation

des·per·a·tion   [des-puh-rey-shuhn]
–noun
1.
the state of being desperate or of having the recklessness of despair.
2.
the act or fact of despairing; despair.


The skeptic might say that desperation is a man that can't let go....one that runs for office over and over and over again because he can't do anything else well. Heck, perhaps he can't perform the functions of being mayor well even after 28 years of experience.

The skeptic might note that desperation is a man that just simply needs a paycheck and will do anything to get it. Perhaps being a real estate agent isn't part of his skill set.... Perhaps the money doesn't flow like it used to.

The skeptic may also say that desperation is a man that will approve ads that rip the city apart by race just to win an election.

The skeptic could possibly say that desperation is a man that just can't lose gracefully. Scores must be settled at all costs.

Perhaps the skeptic is correct. I'll never tell...

FSM

Friday's with Steve: Your questions answered!

Occasionally, I like to take time to answer questions I've received from the little people, my constituents. Here goes.....

Question: What do you mean when you use the word "invest" in relation to taxpayer money?

Answer: I mean I will spend it as quick as it comes in. Ever heard the term "spend like a drunken sailor" in relation to a lifelong politician?

Question: Have you been kicked out of any community meetings lately?

Answer: Define "kicked out" for me? If you mean asked to leave....no comment.

Question: What do you say to those that will never vote for you because of the "Don't turn Gadsden into Birmingham" stunt you pulled eight years ago?

Answer: Don't hold that against me, We almost DID turn Gadsden into Birmingham. Notice how many folks went to jail that worked closely with my last administration!

Question: What prompted the letters to Alabama City and the Mountain?

Answer: Face it, I got destroyed in those two areas last time. I have to do or say anything to try to keep that from happening this time. It's the only chance I have and you know me, I'll do what I have to do.

Question: Are you going to First Friday, and if so, where can we find you?

Answer: Yes, and I'll be at a bar near you.


Let the good times roll!

FSM

About this letter to Alabama City....

I'm so proud of myself today. Just read it....This letter is somewhat grammatically correct, which is a big improvement over the trash I sent to the mountain. What's next? Probably a letter to East Gadsden, a place that I can't find with a map and a GPS.

This letter is the truth, as I spin it. Forget the fact that I hate Alabama City. Forget that I despise her people, and if I had my way I would have unleashed a wrecking ball to Emma Sansom High School.

Deal? You do all that and I'll keep taking credit for good things that didn't happen on my watch. It's what I do best, along with sidestepping questions about my fitness to serve.

In closing, I must confess a sin of my past:

I have Emma's finger. I've had it for years. I use it to scratch Riley's (the campaign dog) behind.

If the people of Alabama City vote for me, I promise to give you the finger.

Begrudgingly yours,

FSM.

I hate losing....

I really do. I HATE losing.

I hate losing my job.

I hate losing my power.

I hate losing the prestige.

I hate losing a city car.

I hate having to actually produce something to put food on the table.

Finally, I hate losing the money.

I beg of you, please bail me out one more time.

Begrudgingly yours,

FSM

You (and my campaign) can't handle the truth!!!!!

So why try? Give the people lies and "deny, deny, deny" the truth...

I mean, why go away from what has worked for so many years? Heck, my own family don't believe a word I say.

Cheers,

FSM

They tell me I received the endorsement

of the firefighters...I'm really not sure.

Heck, look at me, I have no idea where I am or what I'm doing.

I do know this. The firefighter's endorsement helped me a heckuva lot last time. Or maybe not.

At any rate, when my campaign goes up in flames, perhaps these guys can put the fire out.

En Fuego,
FSM

Just got off of Floyd's show...

Man, it is hard to lie for thirty minutes straight with no break....I'm telling you, I was about to run out of material.

I was particularly proud of the lies about raising taxes and salaries. Maybe nobody will notice that I raised both in my last administration.

Also, my line about losing population is rich considering we lost darn near 30,000 folks while I was mayor. Think anybody remembers? I sure hope not.

And frankly, I'm quite sure none of you could follow the rest of it. Heck, you pretty much have to be hung over to do so. How do you think I was able to keep up?

Cheers,

FSM

Someone is going to pay......

The jackleg that parked his truck with my opponent's sign in front of my headquarters will pay. I promise you that. When I'm elected mayor the third thing I will do is outlaw this kind of taunting (unless I'm doing the taunting).

The first thing I will do is make Fred the head football coach at GCHS.

The second thing I will do is return city cars to all of the department directors. It takes some nerve for Sherman to try to save taxpayer money at the expense of our department directors! Shoot, some of them didn't even own personal cars when I was in office.

Cheers,

FSM